Friend Or Faux?

By: Devika Brendon

When we realise, we need to simplify, clarify, downsize and declutter our lives, we naturally start with our material possessions. We sort everything into what needs to be repaired, or repurposed or gifted, or kept. And in the end, after a lot of dust, frustration, decision-making and stress, our lives become more enjoyable. The biggest single factor that interferes with this clarifying process is not laziness or inertia, but sentimental attachment. We hold onto things because they represent a certain time of our lives, and experiences which we want to remember. We may never look at these old trinkets or letters or souvenirs or floppy discs or whatever, but they are part of our life, even if they are just taking up space, and adding no value.  

And we do the same to friendships. 

However, with friendships, it is even more important to apply the golden rule of decluttering: ‘Have you interacted positively and meaningfully with this artefact/entity in the last year? If not, let it go.’ Because relationships that stagnate sometimes decompose, break down and become toxic. After all, they are organic, and they are perishable: formed of energy that passes between two living beings. And if the interpersonal communication becomes shallow, one-sided, transactional or under-nourished, the bonds become false, and in fact untrustworthy, in a way our material possessions do not. It’s a suspension bridge. And a weak connection means what is being conveyed from one side to the other is in danger of falling through the gaps. While often we overlook relationship red flags, and try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and tell ourselves that we are imagining things when the energy feels problematic or off, here is a helpful list of several clear signs that a friend has become faux:

1. They are constantly late or frequently cancel or shift times when you arrange to meet. There’s always a reason for it, but it is chaotic, and disrespectful, and you are expected to understand that things are ‘just always really hard for them.’ This indemnifies them from ongoing accountability. Why are they so reluctant to meet? What’s getting in the way of their timeliness? 
2. They overshare their financial or accommodation troubles with you, and you increasingly feel compelled to try and help them in practical ways. This is a clue that they have identified you as a designated resource person.
3. They are competitive with you, often in petty and trifling ways. They don’t like it when they don’t do as well as you do in any number of instances, whether major or trivial. Why did you get a good result in an online game, or a bargain at the sale, when they did not? They do not like it when your merit or authority is publicly recognised, even by a bot! They are very silent when you share any good news. 
4. They do not really enjoy being present at any event where you or your work are being celebrated, recognised or praised. They might go to the extent of coming late to such an event, to avoid the speeches and just come to access the celebratory food, for example.
5. They echo you and affirm what you say, so you do not truly know what they really think. This chameleon behaviour is something to be noted. It’s a way of adapting to their environment, withholding their true character and opinions, and mirroring you, in a show of apparent compatibility. It’s a survival mechanism.
6. They are hyper-critical of you. They will read an article you have written, and their eye will immediately be drawn to the one typo in it, which they seem to enjoy pointing out to you. They note every crease in a tablecloth or scratch on a table. They are fundamentally ungenerous and looking for flaws in everything you do. 
7. They are ungrateful when accepting gifts from you. Somehow, whatever you have chosen for them will not be quite what they want, or will have something wrong with it, and they are not too polite to hurt your feelings by saying so. It’s not the thought that counts! This is a form of devaluation and disrespect. 
8. They do not check in on you or reach out to you to see how you are, and the relationship feels very one-sided. Because it is. You are the giver. They say things like: ‘I’m not ignoring you.’ Or ‘I am going to go quiet for a while.’ Like a bear hibernating for the winter. Because they have got enough supply for the moment. You’ll see them again when they are hungry. 
9. Their habitual mode is passive aggressive. They efface themselves in the relationship and then lash out when their frustration builds up. No healthy open discussion. Their ‘relational style’ is to not engage in the effort of honest dialogue. It’s lazy, and it’s avoidant. A lot of time is wasted in listening to their self-justifying caterwauling. 

Basically, the higher any individual scores on the above checklist, the more likely they are to be opportunistic and possibly predatory. At the very least, the relationship with them is not equitable and balanced: there is a disparity, and it should not be glossed over. Don’t try to exercise tolerance or compassion towards such individuals. Cut them off.  Many people come from very difficult backgrounds and have learned to relate to others in abusive or damaged familial contexts. It is important to extend grace and compassion to each other, and to help where we can.

But discernment should be exercised, when the victim card is being continually played. Such people are sycophants, flatterers, fawners and parasites. This is a challenging era in which we live, and we need to ensure that our immediate contexts, both physically and emotionally, are as clean and clear as possible. Time to conserve our resources, everyone! Match your energy, observe the way people conduct themselves, and align with people who can give as well as take.