The Abuse We’ve Learned to Normalize

These days, girls are no longer willing to stay silent. They are speaking for themselves, questioning the expectations placed on them and refusing to accept that enduring pain is simply part of being a woman. Yet, despite this growing willingness to speak, many women and girls continue to live with forms of abuse that are rarely recognized, discussed or even named.

For generations, girls have been taught to be modest, patient, accommodating and self-sacrificing. Boys, meanwhile, have often been raised to be strong, dominant and emotionally restrained. What may appear to be harmless expectations in childhood can eventually shape relationships, families, workplaces and institutions, reinforcing ideas about how women and men are supposed to behave?

One of the most serious consequences of these harmful social norms is gender-based violence.

Sri Lanka has taken important steps towards providing legal protection and support for survivors, following decades of advocacy by women's organizations and activists. Yet violence continues, partly because abuse is still too often treated as a private family matter rather than a serious social concern.

Women may be told to tolerate suffering for the sake of their families, protect a relationship at any cost or remain silent to preserve family honor. At the same time, controlling behavior can be mistaken for love, concern or protection.

But control is not love. Fear is not respect. And violence is never an expression of care.

Sri Lanka's 2019 Women's Wellbeing Survey found that nearly one in five ever-partnered women had experienced physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner during their lifetime. Almost half of the women who experienced sexual violence by a partner did not seek formal help.

These figures reveal not only the prevalence of violence, but the silence surrounding it.

That silence is often reinforced by the questions survivors are asked.

• Why didn't you leave?
• Why did you stay?
• What did you do to make him angry?
• Why didn't you tell someone earlier?

The focus shifts from the person who caused the harm to the person who experienced it. Survivors may be encouraged to forgive, reconcile or remain in a relationship for the sake of children or family unity, even when the situation remains unsafe. This is how abuse becomes normalized. And abuse does not always leave a bruise.

Physical violence may be the most visible form, but emotional and psychological abuse can be equally destructive. Constant insults, humiliation, threats, intimidation, manipulation and deliberately making someone feel worthless can gradually damage a person's confidence and sense of self.

Abuse can also be sexual, economic or social. It can involve ignoring consent, controlling access to money, preventing someone from working, isolating them from friends and family, monitoring their movements or demanding access to their phone and passwords.

Checking someone's phone, deciding who they can speak to, controlling what they wear or constantly questioning where they have been may be dismissed as jealousy or concern.

They are not harmless when they become tools of control.

It is also important to recognize that abuse cannot be discussed as though women are its only victims.

Men can be victims too.

A man can be physically assaulted, emotionally manipulated, sexually abused, financially controlled, stalked or humiliated. Yet men may find it particularly difficult to speak about their experiences because they are often expected to be physically strong, emotionally resilient and capable of protecting themselves.

The reality is that being a man does not make someone immune to abuse.

Gareth Jones, 41, is one example. After meeting a woman online, he experienced months of emotional and physical abuse, including being kicked and punched, made to sleep on the floor and denied access to a toilet. He later said it took more than a year of therapy to begin recovering from the experience. He chose to speak about what happened in the hope that other victims would feel able to seek help.

His story also highlights how psychological abuse can be overlooked.

For men, abuse can target masculinity itself. They may be called weak, told they are not "manly" enough, criticized for not earning enough or mocked for expressing emotion. Humiliation can become a weapon, particularly when it is used publicly to undermine a person's confidence.

For women, too, psychological abuse can be just as damaging as physical violence.

This is why the conversation needs to move beyond gender. The fundamental principle is simple: no man has the right to hurt a woman, and no woman has the right to hurt a man. No person has the right to control, threaten, humiliate or abuse another person. The question should not be whose pain matters more. It should be whether someone is being harmed, controlled, frightened or denied their dignity.

Abuse can happen in marriages, dating relationships, families and even friendships. It can happen to people who appear confident, successful and independent. It can happen behind closed doors, where nobody else sees what is happening. Sometimes, the most damaging forms of abuse are the ones that leave no visible injury.

A person can be slowly isolated from the people they love. Their finances can be controlled. Their confidence can be eroded through constant criticism. They can be made to feel responsible for another person's anger or threatened with abandonment if they refuse to comply.

These patterns can affect anyone. This is why calling abuse "just a relationship problem" can be dangerous. Healthy relationships involve disagreements, but disagreement is not intimidation. Jealousy is not control. Anger is not an excuse for violence. And love does not require someone to surrender their freedom, dignity or safety.

The way society responds when someone finally speaks also matters. A woman who reports abuse should not be asked what she did to provoke it. A man who speaks about being abused should not be laughed at, questioned about his masculinity or told that he should have been strong enough to stop it.

Victims need support before judgement. The consequences of abuse can extend far beyond the relationship. It can affect confidence, mental wellbeing, education, employment, friendships and the ability to trust again. Recovery may take months or even years.

Children can also absorb what they witness. When violence, humiliation and control become part of everyday family life, children may begin to believe that these behaviors are normal parts of relationships. Without intervention, harmful patterns can continue across generations.

Breaking that cycle begins with what we teach. Boys should know that expressing emotion does not make them weak. Girls should know that being caring does not mean tolerating mistreatment. Young people should understand that consent, boundaries and respect apply to everyone. Most importantly, we must stop treating silence as the price of keeping a relationship together.

A relationship is not successful simply because it survives. It is successful when the people within it feel safe, respected and valued. Whether the victim is a woman or a man, abuse is abuse. It is not love. It is not jealousy. It is not discipline. It is not a private matter that everyone else should ignore. And it should never be normalized. Women must continue to be encouraged to speak. Men must also be given the space to speak without shame or ridicule. Because everyone deserves the same basic right: to live without fear of the person who claims to love them. The conversation should no longer be about choosing whose pain matters more. It should be about making sure no one's pain is ignored.