BOUNDARY CHALLENGES

A lot of women call each other ‘Queens’ these days. I find it endearing. ‘Helping each other adjust each other’s crowns’ is a good principle of feminist sisterhood. But we need to talk about what Queenliness really is. It does not only mean how well we sweep down a staircase in gorgeous gowns, or how we conduct ourselves in formal dining settings. It means sovereignty, territory, restraint and respect.  We are egotistical, we human beings. We think we are entitled to the respect of others without giving it reciprocally. I will use some case studies drawn from real life to illustrate this:

CASE STUDY ONE

1. A person texts you at 5:30am on a working day. It is not an emergency or a crisis. They are in the same time zone as you are. They want to meet you that day. They want to collect a book from you. They seem to assume they can come to your home.

2. You text them back and say you are working at a cafe that day. They want to come there. They ask if that is what you would prefer, as if it was not clear to them.

3. When you wake up, and look at your messages, a few hours later, you say yes. You can bring copies to the place where you will be working. You take the time to explain that, as a freelance writer you don’t have an office. But wherever you work from, you see as your workspace. Do you need to clarify further? Apparently yes.

4. She wants to know when you will get there and how long you will be staying there. You say you will stay until your deadlines are met.

5. Why is an intelligent person seemingly so oblivious to the boundaries you are indicating? You point out that you would not ever come to a person’s workspace without an appointment. This is respecting the other person’s work schedule. Perhaps the fluidity and ease with which you do your work is not clear to those who are used to a more regimented environment. So, you take the time to explain. What Tik Tok wisdom and Fempowerment fail to indicate enough is that self-assertion is only half the story of success and wealth creation. True Queenship does not expect respect from others without first giving respect. And true Queens respect everyone they deal with. But there is a difference between pushiness and enthusiasm.

CASE STUDY TWO

1. You have the idea of creating a course which you have conceived and shared with the organizer of an NGO which is doing good work.
2. You share this news with a young woman who is interested in the field and who immediately wants to join in. She wants to run the courses, she wants to teach the courses, she is so excited about the opportunity.
3. But it is not an opportunity that has yet been developed or offered to her. The two co-creators have decades of experience in their fields, and expertise. Her own skillset is not comparable. Why does she not see that? And why does she not express her enthusiasm to participate in terms which are more respectful? Eg ‘What a great idea! I would be happy to assist if you need it. Just let me know how I can support.’ But such terminology requires humility, and patience, and recognition of others. It does not seek to use others’ established work as an opportunity to piggyback or parasite. What happens in such a scenario is that information about such projects will not be shared in future. Opportunities lost for the person ignorant of the cost of such an error.
4. Ambition is an important part of hustle. And internet marketing and recognition and building your brand are very necessary in the world as it is today. But there is an art to dealing professionally with mentors, particularly in those mentorships where there is a significant age difference. Some people do not even recognise what the differences in age and expertise mean, if they feel it devalues them, or makes them feel inferior or unimportant. To ask people to help you, you cannot devalue them.
5. Enthusiasm is great, but it can carry people over the boundaries into other people’s territory. Pushiness is unattractive and is also very counterproductive. In intergenerational Sri Lankan society, it is a significant error to be too informal with people you do not know well, or who are significantly older than you. If they show off their status and qualifications, this difference may be more visible. But the ones with significant professional experience and wisdom and value most often do not trumpet these qualities publicly. It’s like the rules of Old Money. Understatement and substance built over years, versus boasting and posing and self-promotion in an effort to conceal an unconscious sense of emptiness or lack.

In conclusion, if you would like my advice, (and many Gen Z do not!), being more formal rather than less formal leads to better outcomes. Choose to be professional, rather than personal, in your subject matter and your mode of conduct. Take the long-term view. Do not grab at opportunities or people.

Do not be overfamiliar or assume an intimacy that the other person has not offered you. Wait to be invited. Do not assume that you can enter uninvited into their physical or their professional spaces. There are etiquette classes available which teach us how to conduct ourselves, externally. To speak sweetly, stand gracefully, and behave like ladies with dignity and serenity. But without internal humility and respect, these modes of self-presentation will be superficial; and our true urgent impulses will break through in certain situations in quite ugly ways. Greed, ambition, hunger, opportunism, selfishness, snobbery, arrogance, egotism and desperation are all human qualities. If we do not understand and manage them, thus exercising real self-sovereignty, we will harm the   realms of power which we ourselves are building.