THE SHAME GAME
I was recently at a party when someone was talking about how Israel is entitled to Palestinian land and should finish the job they started. “You really should grow an extra brain cell, as the one you’ve got must be so lonely up there.” It wasn’t until the person reeled and glared that I realized I hadn’t just thought this but had actually said it out loud. With a moment of unbridled clarity, I understood that I have now reached that age where women simply say what we are thinking, with no filter. That perimenopausal dip in oestrogen and testosterone sensitivity means we suddenly develop more nerve than an unfilled tooth. The genocide supporter displayed no sense of shame but embarrassed by my blunt rudeness, I felt a blush spread across my face. Maybe they should make masks mandatory again, I couldn’t help thinking. This person with highly questionable views felt no shame for spouting such horrendous rhetoric, and their behaviour set me pondering. What a shame that shame is on the wane.
For the better part of this year, I have been fascinated by Trump’s narcissistic posturing. He has certainly made the news great again, with everyone tuning in to see what he is going to say, what gargantuan gaffe he might deliver. But I find it highly unlikely he is waking in the night, sitting bolt upright in bed and sobbing, “Oh my God, no. What have I done?” before blushing hotly for hours as he agonises over how to cope with worldwide disgrace. Yes, of course, and he is also a painfully shy recluse who would do anything to avoid media attention. Over on our little island, you can always count on some nepo baby politico to say something so moronic that it makes you wonder how they have managed to get through life with nothing upstairs. Once upon a time, politicians who fell from grace also fell on their swords, seeking redemption in charitable works and mostly shunning the public gaze while keeping their mouths firmly shut. Sadly, ours and their treasonous, Teflon coated cohorts simply shrug their insouciant shoulders and carry on, unscathed, unbothered and unashamed by actions that would drive most people insane with guilt. For them it is just another expression of brazen entitlement. In their minds, it would seem, we are merely serfs who exist to work and pay taxes for them to plunder.
Shame often arises as a reaction to public humiliation or as recognition of one’s private failures. Its symptoms manifest simply. One feels a physical response as those guilt glands kick in, often heightened most noticeably among women. Unfortunately, societal norms impose a sense of guilt on women that can feel like a natural state of being. This phenomenon traces back to the biblical story of Eve, whose fateful bite of the apple rendered women symbols of temptation and responsibility for humanity’s downfall. I still blame the snake though. It was clearly a case of entrapment. Living in a patriarchal society exacerbates the burden of shame, especially regarding sexuality. A man known for his sexual exploits typically earns admiration. He is celebrated as a love god or a Romeo. Conversely, a woman with similar desires faces harsh judgement, often labelled with derogatory terms like slut or tramp. The concept of slut shaming seeks to belittle women for embracing their sexuality or even for merely appearing to enjoy it, creating a culture of humiliation that polices women’s behaviour.
Motherhood further complicates the landscape of shame. Working mothers often experience guilt for pursuing careers instead of dedicating themselves solely to domestic life, such as mastering how to make a million amazing things with bubble wrap and a felt pen. On the other hand, stay at home mothers face their own judgements, criticised for not working outside the home. This creates a constant anxiety about role modelling. Will their children be equipped to flourish in a world that may not always value their contributions? Will they end up in politics?
Do not even get me started on house shaming, which predictably seems to affect women almost exclusively. Most men, more often than not, do not seem to mind if their friends walk into a chaotic home with a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink. Yet many women I know get up early to clean before the cleaner arrives. They are driven by an imposed standard of domestic perfection. The expectation that women maintain pristine homes only adds another layer to the burden of shame.
Fat shaming is yet another largely female concern, where women find themselves scrutinised not just for weight but for a host of physical attributes deemed undesirable. Cellulite, cleavage wrinkles, knee wrinkles, cankles, wattle, bingo wings. In the Renaissance era, you needed all of that just to be considered a socialite. Those were the days. This fixation on female bodies stands in stark contrast to the absence of shame among men, not only regarding their bodies but also workplace inequality. Forget the thigh gap. Let us discuss the pay gap, where women often earn significantly less than their male counterparts for doing the same work. So, before you cancel your subscription to 2025, disappointed by the first six months of the free trial, it is time to shift our focus on shame. The trivial pursuits that provoke shame in women should no longer dominate the conversation. Instead, we should reserve our condemnation for those who commit real violations of decency and ethics. Rather than shaming women for their choices or appearance, let us redirect our moral outrage towards those who truly deserve it, from petty offenders to those responsible for serious societal harm such as corruption and injustice.
By doing so, we can foster a more just society that values people for their character and contributions, rather than subjecting them to unfounded shame rooted in outdated norms. The aim should be to create an environment where women, free from unnecessary guilt or embarrassment, can thrive and embrace their identities without fear of judgement. It is time to reclaim the narrative, encouraging strength and authenticity instead of shame.
