Blogs, podcasts, Insta updates, influencers; not having a lifestyle platform casts you out into social Siberia. Well, for those of us who don’t have a vlog to flog, maybe it’s time we all took a good hard look at ourselves and figured out our field of influence. As someone who has her foot in her mouth more often than most (which is why I make it a point to spend my life savings on insanely fabulous shoes!), social media has made the occasion of offense more easily and frequently accessible.
- “You always comment on her status, but never read mine!”
- “You had a party and I wasn’t invited?”
- “Did you really think that outfit looked good?”
As your friends list expands, it becomes the survival of the fittest. You duck, you dodge, and you learn how to hit virtual curveballs. Existence on social media becomes a dexterously choreographed dance, navigating privacy settings and easily injured sentiments. One false step, and be prepared for dirty looks and silent treatment to follow you into the non-virtual world. Which is why I rarely post anything. I like to make my faux pas in person and then hopefully have them forgotten, rather than have them follow me around online for an eternity! That said, we are living in a world where dance challenges, playing funny pranks, and chasing clout can turn the common man into a celebrity overnight. We are in an era characterized by digital hustle, where you can become the next big thing from the comfort of your home with the aid of your smartphone.
Of course, online motivating has been going on forever (since the mid-2000s, but that feels like forever!). The plethora of current online advice from self-proclaimed gurus and celebrities is so contradictory and confusing. Some suggest more protein, others fasting, God forbid you should go over your daily calorie intake of 100!!! Should I be doing cardio or lifting heavy weights? Definitely not both. But don’t forget the 8,000 steps; but isn’t that cardio? Should I only nibble organic, non-irradiated, biodynamic food? Should I be incredibly keen on kale or quinoa? But isn’t kale just cabbage with good PR?
And as for all the mothering advice (I don’t have children, so I don’t have to contend with this, but it’s brutal out there): should you be a helicopter mum or a tiger mum or a snowplough parent? You must be a domestic goddess, or a sex goddess, or possibly both at once. Not only must I be a better parent/cake-baker/male-pleasing fellatrix/career high-flyer with a couple of venture capital portfolios tucked up each designer sleeve; but also thinner, prettier, and exercising ‘mindfulness’ while doing so.
Yes, these platforms and creators seem particularly ‘mindful’ about how much money they’re making from other women’s insecurities.
Clearly, it’s time I followed in their lucrative, high-heeled footsteps and launched my own site. Rest assured, I have no desire to manipulate you into trying out some new-fangled theory that has no basis in fact or reason. Nor will my wellness tips advise you to give half your annual salary to a self-styled healer/miracle worker who will cure you of all ailments (many of which you didn’t know existed in the first place), or anyone who’ll awaken your inner warrior. No. My top tips will be a tad more practical, namely, that most ailments and anxieties can be cured with a good laugh and a large glass of vino. Let’s start with:
MINDFULNESS: Making your mind go blank is best achieved by not listening to the pseudo-psychobabble of poncy ‘influencers.’
HOW TO BE WOKE? Drink an espresso martini. Actually, two or three work best.
FOOD FADS: Eat what makes you happy. I prefer food that’s been cooked in fat, drenched in salt, and coated in chocolate; preferably simultaneously. Did I say drenched in fat? Yes, giving up bacon and Bordeaux might add two years to your life, but as all your Bordeaux-and-bacon-devouring friends will be dead already, who wants to live forever anyway?
EXERCISE: Forget torturing yourself. Give your staff the day off and do their chores, you’ll see the weight drop off pronto! Covid taught us that if nothing else!
FACIALS: Forget expensive, deep-tissue, obscurely named fruit detoxes. Why put avocado and yoghurt on your face when you could just eat it? The secret to good skin is to be Mediterranean, or try and emulate their diet to a great extent. And the secret to beauty is to have attractive parents who are prone to height, hair, and striking eyes. Otherwise, just keep the lights low. (The dimmer switch: greatest beauty aid to womankind.)
CHILDREN – RAISING THEM TO BE WELL-BEHAVED: Celebrity mums suggest that you be “dream-makers, not dream breakers.” “Cuddle therapy cures all.” Perhaps you treat them how we should treat politicians; threaten to cut off their pocket money (sorry, budgets in the case of politicos). I’m pretty sure you’ll notice an immediate improvement in behaviour. Only on Hallmark specials do mothers and daughters discuss the minutiae of their lives with each other in funny, frank exchanges with hugs and rainbows.
SEX: What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
I hope these “lifestyle” tips have increased your “wellness”- or at the very least given you a little laugh, which is really an underrated wellness choice!
