I recall times when any sort of misaligned moment, any inclination towards a sad instance in life, meant that we rallied around to offer support, be there for one another, and, in our very individualistic ways, give what we could. This could be in the arenas of emotional support, transport (back in the day when most homes had one vehicle, if at all), sending food over, or even being available to take care of children who needed us, when their own adult supervision providers were dealing with an issue. Those were times, maybe long gone, when the priority was to give support, rather than “show” support.
- Those were times when the least people would do was send across steaming coffee in an old-style flask and be willing and able (almost insistent) that they send refills as well. These selfless deeds of kindness, when we were most vulnerable, turned out to be small but seamless gestures that helped us get through and move forward.
01.Enter the world of heightened self-perceptions, self-promotion, and self-praise, where the key to anything is what one can gain from the situation. It is a disturbing and progressively cresting movement, where anyone’s tragedy must be turned into one’s own triumph. What, pray tell, has happened? And where are we going as a society? If one cannot remove self-interest from the equation long enough to be there for a fellow human being, is there any glue that holds people together? Down to the depths of baseless quicksand, sinking into the murky mire of self-deception, is what I see.
We, like any family, have had times of sadness and loss in equal measure to the awesome times of blissful happiness and absolute, unadulterated joy. This, I would humbly opine, is not just our lot in life, but that of anyone, anywhere in the world. Our destinies are written and our fates decided; we work with the hand we are dealt and make the best of each situation while holding our heads above the proverbial water in times that are testing. One thing that I can assuredly say is that we have been very privileged and blessed to have not only the support of our immediate family but also friends, true friends, who have been supportive to a point where we probably would not have been able to achieve what we did, if not for them.
I remember when my grandmother passed away, and as young children, my sister and I were absolutely of no use to my parents. Close friends and family rallied to the point of preparing her home on Don Carolis Road in the traditional manner: removing all paintings and photographs from the walls, rearranging the furniture in her living room, and ensuring that when Gran was “brought home”, everything was ready, without my parents having to worry about any of it. Even when my mum passed away years later, we had neighbours who sent across food, not catered, but simple home-cooked fare, so that we, in a time of absolute desolation, did not have to even think about meals for anyone at home.
Those were times when the least people would do was send across steaming coffee in an old-style flask and be willing and able (almost insistent) that they send refills as well. These selfless deeds of kindness, when we were most vulnerable, turned out to be small but seamless gestures that helped us get through and move forward. This may seem like the times of pre-colonial Thambapanni, but in reality, it was a decade or two ago. How times have changed. Long gone, in many cases, is the term “selfless”, replaced in the most vile and obvious manner by “selfish”.
02.Passing away and onwards, ending one’s time on this plane, is not a time of only grief and loss but also a time when those around are at their most raw and wounded. Privacy, which is a family ethos for us in good times and not-so-good times, was to the point where my grandmother and my mother wanted all their funeral rites done in 24 hours, without any public obituaries and, as my mother aptly termed it, “without any tamasha.”
The same applied when my sister got married, and when I got married as well. No massive overtures, no grand gestures, and certainly no publicity. Now, in the mainstream social whirl around us, it is not just marriage that needs to be a never-ending circus of “please look at us”, but funerals too have taken on the same cringe-inducing spectacle.
There are funeral services deemed “VIP,” because don’t forget, even in death, if those three meaningless letters aren’t there, one and one’s near and dear are considered irrelevant.
03.Florists make more money than at weddings, because the more flowers, the bigger the wreaths and grander the tributes, the deceased is considered “more important”. Attendees who are supposed to console the grieving aren’t there for emotional support but are vying for “best supporting” in the role of actors or actresses in D-grade melodramas!
From wardrobe coordination, where the “mourning garments” need to be accessorized with garish bling, to ensuring the requisite salon visit is on track to have the hair fluffed and faces colourfully plastered in order to look appropriately tart-ish while pretending to be sad. Devastation is a devious business now, and if you don’t look the part, you can’t play the part. Selfies are a must, draped across grieving relatives or, the pièce de résistance, draped across the casket itself.
The selfies are followed by capsule groups hovering together, discussing who has gained, lost, and found weight, along with their minds. Many a man is busy scouting the most vulnerable, available-looking lasses to stalk post-funeral, setting up “grief counselling sessions” in bed! The women attending, who in most cases are dressed like the worst of the Kollywood tele-tramps, mince and murmur, performing a mating dance for the men while attempting to still look demure.The end times, it seems, are not for the deceased but for the society they are leaving behind.
Grief, just like happiness, can be showcased in many forms, and we are not here to point out what’s right or wrong. Simply this: when one is supposed to be standing by those we care about, looking like an over-painted porn star should not be the priority. Have some empathy. Understand that in this universe, what goes around comes around. And maybe, just maybe, being genuine will bring about genuine support back to us, when we need it the most.
- The selfies are followed by capsule groups hovering together, discussing who has gained, lost, and found weight, along with their minds. Many a man is busy scouting the most vulnerable, available-looking lasses to stalk post-funeral, setting up “grief counselling sessions” in bed!
