Weddings - oh, the romance, the glorious excitement, the anticipation. The families coming together, the happy couple looking at the world with all its possibilities, walking through life hand in hand. I may be a die-hard believer in the values that marriage stood for, a believer that every chapter in life has its time and season, a believer that when in a compatible, honest unit, the sky was, and is, the proverbial limit. Am I just blatantly mistaken? Could I be one of the few in a dying (if not already extinct) breed that thinks marriage is a “sacred union”, no matter the faith?
1.I have the fortune, in this day and age, of attending very few weddings, and that too, usually to celebrate a very near and dear person, and to support their new journey in life. I do get invited to quite a few weddings, locally and internationally, but I rarely am able to make it, and in some cases, do not want to make it.
It’s not that I’m wary of the beautiful ceremonies and lovely celebrations. It’s just that if I know the wedding is headed in the direction of being a “social spectacle”, perish the thought that I also, as a willing participant, add to the shenanigans by attending. Gone are the days when the happy couple were the centre of attention, because now it is all about the dollars and cents (combined with a lack of sense) that is the mainstay of many a wedding.
The parents, in-laws, outlaws, friends, frenemies, relatives (close and distant, in thought, word and deed), along with everyone in the contact list, need to be included in the “numbers game” that only fuels the flames of tackiness. If the zeros included in the costs of any and everything don’t rival the GDP of a small nation; what point is there in having a wedding? The logic of the most nouveau, of the “nouveau riche”!
The planners and dis-organizers wait with bated breath for these clueless walking wallets to just come up with the most asinine and insane of ideas, in order for the wedding overall to prove that they all have “made it.”
Brides were, in the worst-case scenarios, portrayed as Bridezilla, a phrase coined to highlight a near-impossible, demanding, and emotionally volatile bride. Oh, to wish for those bygone, brighter days! Now Bridezilla could be a child’s soft toy compared to the madness propagated by the veiled, vain, and vicious!
2.From demanding that the entire venue, be transformed into something it is not, never was, and cannot be, to insisting that flowers be near-impossible to source and from some unreachable geographical locale, to expecting the entire retinue to look a certain way, despite the fact that none of them have the basic “raw materials” to do so!
I was walking through a hotel known for its wedding venues, on the way to a post-workout indulgent breakfast, when I saw artisans and teams of workers hauling in what were literally trees that had been chopped and brought in. I could not abide by this ecological travesty and asked some of the management team what was happening. They said the bride wanted a “forest theme,” hence the deforestation taking place.
I said: why can’t they have the wedding in a forest, as it would be more authentic and reduce this destruction of the environment? No, she needed the forest brought into the ballroom. There is no telling what the logic is of the nouveau riche.
Flowers need to be “snowdrops” from the snow-capped peaks of Europe, the Youtan Poluo believed to bloom once every 3,000 years, the Himalayan Blue Poppy, or some such exotic bloom that must be sourced under near-impossible circumstances. And this is just the décor.
3.With the bridal attire, every deep-seated insecurity and “other-ism” the bride ever felt takes over, and she demands to be made to look like some character out of a James Cameron epic, or a Bhansali historical period masterpiece. Of course, no one takes into consideration that the bride is neither part of the mythical Na’vi race in Avatar, nor “the most beautiful Maharani in the world” in Padmaavat.
She is determined, and so she will become! Tailors who masquerade as designers comb the pavements of Chennai, Bangkok, Bangalore and Pettah looking for the most frightening fabrics to “work” - and make even more frightful. From badly fitting Beauty and the Beast ballgowns worn by brides who are far from Belle or Beauty to brides changing into what looks like
4.a satin towel wrapped around their body for the “party part,” sashaying on the dance floor, these misinformed and misplaced brides are headed down literally a very slippery slope imagined as “the aisle.”
The food offerings and entertainment also need to be over the top, to the point of hilarity. We are just a step away from massacring some endangered species to have on the menu and resurrecting the Beatles or Whitney Houston to perform live at the reception. How about Beethoven?
Well, no, actually these brides and their crass families would not even know who that is! Venues need to be more “inaccessible” to regular humanity, and we may be just moments away from receiving invites for a wedding reception on the Moon, with shuttle services provided by the other master of tacky weddings, Jeff Bezos.
The witnesses need to be heads of state, witnessing the travesty, and the makeup look channelling Morticia Addams from The Addams Family. Well, all the ill-gotten drug, alcohol, laundered, and looted money needs to be put to some use, I guess?
The crocodile tears of everyone weeping with, on, and for the couple is a must, to add an additional cringe factor, and the bride also needs to change (along with her whole unsightly retinue) into some monstrosity of de-fashion for the “going away.”
Change also is not limited to clothing but a change of race, too, as a Sri Lankan bride changes and is magically transformed into Heidi from the Alps, or a bashful Afghani Bedouin bride!
My sister, when she got married, and when I got married as well, believed in quiet, low-key registration with just the closest of family and friends. That’s just how our family is. I believe that grand, wonderful weddings are awesome, and as long as the core values of who and why are maintained, it is to be celebrated. Just try and keep in mind that all the merriment and masquerading make for naught if the bride and groom are not in it for the right reasons, and that is a very scary prospect for “ever after.”
The parents, in-laws, outlaws, friends, frenemies, relatives (close and distant, in thought, word and deed), along with everyone in the contact list, need to be included in the “numbers game” that only fuels the flames of tackiness
